At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
