it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
