i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
