so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
