Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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