they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
