How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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