If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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