theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
