I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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