my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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