either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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