I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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