Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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