The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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