my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am spending my child support on dildos
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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