It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
