Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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