I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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