remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
