He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
