he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
