smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
