Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
