how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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