matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
