Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
