My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
