i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
