I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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