my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
