my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
