Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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