i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
