just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
