i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I didn't notice because vodka
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
