I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
