Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
