guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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