Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
