I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
