..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
