Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
