I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You brought string cheese to the strip club
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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