some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
