im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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