I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
