So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
