So drunk its hurt
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
