wrigley field is MILF paradise
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
