Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
BRING THE BAGELS
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
